if you have to say this, you’re probably doing something wrong.

Many times, when faced with conflict with others, we will interrupt the discussion with some form of this statement. “That’s not my heart.” To our dismay, the other person we are talking to is not discussing our heart. They are discussing our actions. And the more people discuss our actions, the more they decide what kind of character we have.

We see ourselves in this circle from the inside out. People see us from the outside in.

We judge ourselves based on our heart(intentions). We see our character as shaped by our heart. And our actions of course are generated by our character and heart.

However, people around us do not view us through that lens. To the people around us, the actions we take are displays of our character over time. And our character is a reflection of our heart and intentions.

That’s why some of the people who have known you the longest can often judge you the harshest. They see the fruit of your actions in your character, and judge your heart based on their limited perception of your actions.

Step into the realm of logic with me.

A person is talking to me about my actions, and instead of discussing my actions with them, I choose to discuss my intentions. Maybe I’m defensive, or wanting to justify my behavior. But a person is describing to me how my actions hurt them or impeded their progress. And instead of apologizing or taking responsibility, there is a human instinct to say something like: “I know this affected you negatively, but that should be ok with you, because my intention was different.”

My intention does not justify my actions. Just like ends don’t justify means. At least, they shouldn’t.

Why do we all behave this way? It seems common in all of us regardless of personality or background to want to discuss intentions instead of actions. But not just our intentions, the intentions of others as well.

I was recently in a meeting with a leader on our staff about something they had done that was offensive to someone else. As we discussed this, their response was “that’s not my heart.” As if that would solve the issue. I’ll come back to this story.

“hear my heart”

We all want people to see our heart. We want the actions we take and the things we say to be seen through the lens of our heart. Unfortunately, only God knows your heart. No one else ever will.

Your spouse won’t ever fully understand your intentions. Your kids won’t. Your friends won’t. Your employees won’t.

What they will do is judge your heart based on your actions. They will judge your intentions based on your words.

Most of the time, they will judge us in the negative. If we say something that offends them, they will assume that we meant to offend them. If we do something that impedes them, they will assume that we meant to sabotage them.

Oftentimes this will create conflict. Most of the time, those people will not talk to us about the conflict until it reaches a boiling point. By then, it is often too late for that person to see our heart without a lot of deep work.

How can we make sure that our heart is heard in what we are saying or doing?

is what you’re saying and doing connecting?

This is a question that @keithcraft has always asked me. Most of us will consider the effectiveness and efficiency of our communication, but not its connection. Sometimes, we will think about the EQ of our communication and whether or not we “came across right.” All of these are good things.

But the highest level communicators do something different. They ask the question: “Is what I am doing connecting with this person?”

Your communication can be effective and efficient and still not connect.

Your communication can even be empathetic and still not connect.

Our goal in all communication – verbal and nonverbal – is not just the exercise of communication. Our goal in communication is to connect with people. Our goal is for them to “hear our heart.” That’s really what we want. If that’s what we want, why doesn’t it happen more often?

@keithcraft has taught me that the bridge between our communication and connection is our care.

Our communication often doesn’t connect because the person on the other end of our communication doesn’t feel our care. This isn’t just about being empathetic. Empathy is about understanding someone. There’s a lot of people that understand us, but there’s not a lot of people that care about us. Care requires us to do more than understand. It requires us to be considerate, kind and compassionate in our approach.

If you want your heart to be heard or seen, say and do things that communicate your care first. Only after a person feels cared for will they be able to understand the heart behind your communication.

So, what’s the issue between these two people in our office? It’s not one of communication. It’s one of care and connection. They both feel that they are effectively communicating with each other. But they’re only seeing the communication from their side. They are not measuring their effectiveness by how the other person is receiving it. They are measuring effectiveness by how well they believe that they are delivering it.

What is the solution for these two people who have conflict? To have spend time together and build a relationship that isn’t based on “needing something at work.” That doesn’t mean they have to become best friends. But in order for both of them to win, they must both care about each other winning.

If you’re having trouble with your communication connecting. Ask that person whether or not they feel cared for by you. There are a lot of things you can do to make someone feel cared for. Take them to lunch, find out their love language and speak it, help them with their projects before asking them to help you, etc.

If you’re having trouble receiving from someone right now, it’s probably because you don’t feel like they care about you. There’s a lot you can do to create care in any relationship. You can give them some honest feedback about their come across, ask questions about their life outside of work, you can learn to speak their love language as well. Often, when a person feels like we care about them, they will want to make us feel like they care about us.